Форум: Американский юмор
Во всех сообществах есть раздел юмора специфичный для него.
Почему бы нам не открыть страничку американского юмора?
Мой первый взнос:
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iTit will cost $499 to $599, depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month..
Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.
Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.
Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.
Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 --months.
Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with a delivered baby.
Tester is a person who always tells that this is not the Right baby.
HR Manager is a person who thinks that...
a Donkey can deliver a Human Baby - if given 9 Months!!!
февр. 13, 2009 22:06
another version : RE: Carmen - Three sons of a Yiddishe Mama left their homeland,...
Four Jewish brothers left home for college, and eventually, they became
successful doctors, and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they
chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they
were able to
give to their elderly mother, who lived far away in another city.
The first said, 'I had a big house built for Mama'.
The second said, 'I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the
The third said, 'I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL 600 with a
The fourth said, 'Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the
you know she can't anymore because she can't see very well. I met this
told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah.
It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to
contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple, but it was
worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot
will recite it.'
The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mama sent out her
You notes. She wrote:
Milton Bubelle, the house you built is so huge, I live in only one room,
have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.
Marvin Main Shene Kinde, I am too old to travel. I stay home. I have my
groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes and the driver you
hired is a Nazi. The thought was good. Thanks.
Menachim Tataleh, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it
could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead. I've lost my hearing
and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just
Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a
little thought to your mother. THE CHICKEN WAS DELICIOUS
Three sons of a Yiddishe Mama left their homeland, went abroad and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their old mother.
AVRAHAM, the first, said: "I built a big house for our mother."
MOISHE, the second, said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
DAVID, the youngest, said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the bible. Now she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible -- Mama just has to name the chapter and verse."
Soon thereafter, a letter of thanks came from their mother.
AVRAHAM, she said, the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.
MOISHE, she said, I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver has shpilkas -- he's a pain in the tuchas.
But DAVID, she said, THE CHICKEN WAS DELICIOUS
Chicago Style Stimulus!
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”
The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”
The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”
The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”
“Done!” replies the government official.
And that is how the new stimulus plan will work.
The Black Bra
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.
Metoo! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing theleather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat.When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sexall night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"